When I was a child, I could get very angry and when little Ben would fume, my nose would flare in such a way my nostrils would look like little horns. Needless to say, whoever was the object of my anger would start laughing because I looked so silly. If you think it is infuriating to hear, “You’re cute when you’re angry,” imagine your wrath being met with mocking laughter. 

In this week’s parsha, Vayeitzei, there’s a troubling moment of marital strife between Yaakov and Rachel. 

“Rachel saw that she was not bearing children to Yaakov. Rachel became jealous of her sister and she said to Yaakov, ‘Give me children; if not I am [considered] dead.’ Yaakov’s anger was kindled with Rachel, and he said, ‘Am I in place of God, who has withheld from you the fruit of the womb?’” (Bereishis 30:1-2)

This whole interaction seems wrong for several reasons. We learn from the Rambam that a person should never let themselves become angry. Anger (unless it regards true evil) is forbidden because it is a form of idolatry. So what’s our forefather doing transgressing such a severe prohibition? Secondly, Rabbi Shalom Arush says in his book on marriage, The Garden of Peace, “A husband should never criticize, or comment about his wife under any circumstance.” Yet here Yaakov seems to do exactly that, rebuking Rachel for complaining to the wrong person. Finally, where is Yaakov’s comfort and sensitivity? When Sarah was barren, Avraham personally felt that pain with her, the essence of compassion. When Rivka struggled for a decade, Yitzchok prayed with her and because of his prayer, they were answered. Even Elkanah tries to comfort Hannah (albeit not with the most emotionally intelligent response) when he said “Why is your heart broken? Am I not better to you than ten children?” (1 Samuel 1:8) 

How is it that the man, who fathers 12 sons who will seed the twelve tribes of Israel, could be such a poor husband? Clearly something deeper is going on. 

According to Rashi, Yaakov responded saying, “You say that I should do as my father did who prayed for Rivka. But I am not in the same situation as my father. My father had no children whereas I have children. It is from you that Hashem has withheld children [not from me].”  This Rashi doesn’t help make Yaakov sound any more sensitive. Basically, “It’s your problem, not mine.” But what Yaakov is actually trying to do is help Rachel realize that her prayers are more effective in this situation than his will be. When he says, “Am I in place of God?” it is clear that she is relying on his merits and his prayer to save her. But Rachel’s prayer will be far more impactful if she can call out to Hashem directly, instead of relying on Yaakov.

I think it is safe to say that Yaakov was willing to pray for Rachel and probably did. But in terms of using prayer as an elevation for self, Rachel should view the situation as if she’s the only one who can get the answer she wants. He was to push her to pray with that intensity.  Not the most sensitive approach, but it’s clear he wasn’t dismissing her.

But why did Yaakov get angry? 

The Hebrew in the verse is vayyichar af which literally translates to “and the nose burned.” Af, aleph peh, literally means the nose, but in Biblical Hebrew idiomatically refers to anger. In Hashem’s 13 traits of mercy, one of them is “slow to anger.” The Hebrew is airech apayim, literally meaning “long in the nose.” Why is the nose the representation for anger? For two reasons. The first would be obvious if you ever saw child-me get angry. My nostrils filled with anger, apparently to a hilarious extent.

Then there’s the deeper reason. Whenever Hashem’s anger is characterized with af, it usually is in reaction to idolatry. In the Creation story, Hashem blew the soul into Adam through his nostrils, with His breath. When we get really angry, we blow a forceful breath through our nostrils, as if we’re expelling the very life force Hashem breathed into us. In the moment, when our anger takes over, we put everything else out of our minds and are consumed by the angering matter. It is as if it becomes a matter of life and death. The breath we breathe when angry uses the full force of our soul. That’s why when we react in anger, we can break things with a strength we didn’t realize we had. 

In its correct application, anger should harness our full force to eradicate evil to protect ourselves and loved ones. That’s what it is there for. It’s when our priorities and our ego are out of whack that the power of anger is applied to things that are meaningless or without cause. Matters that we view as life or death, but really aren’t. 

But when Hashem gets “angry” (so to speak, Hashem doesn’t actually get angry) it is certainly a matter of life and death. Idolatry is the detachment from Hashem on the most fundamental level. Whatever a person makes their top priority is their true master. What they are really serving. Idolatry in Hebrew is avodah zara or “serving that which is foreign.” Are we serving ourselves? Our desires? Clearly we know that is wrong, but many of us still do it. What about our job? We don’t worship it, but we often place our security in it. This is where the confusion of idolatry came from. The faith that something other than Hashem will save me or give me what I want. It is this sentiment that Yaakov detects in Rachel when he snaps back, “Am I in place of God?” 

There is a tradition to go pray at the gravesite of a great tzaddik or rabbi. The idea being that since our bodies on Earth are still linked to our souls, praying at a righteous person’s grave will carry our prayers to Hashem. But some people don’t understand this idea and when they go to the grave, they actually pray to the Rabbi and not to Hashem. That intention borders on avodah zara. Yaakov felt that because Rachel was at the mercy of his prayers, she was starting to view him in such a way and he reacted in the spirit Hashem would, with burning nostrils, or kindled anger, depending how you translate.  

Did that justify Yaakov getting angry at his wife, Rachel? I don’t know. Yaakov doesn’t attain his higher holier level until next week’s parsha when he is renamed Israel. So he clearly isn’t perfect. The rabbis of the Midrash say that Hashem wasn’t happy with him. “The Holy One, blessed be He said to Jacob, ‘Is this the way to answer a woman who is oppressed by her barrenness? By your life, your children are destined to stand before her son Yosef.’” (Bereshis Rabba 71:10) Sure enough, at the end of the book of Bereishis, ten of Yaakov’s sons will insist Yosef forgive them. Yosef responds, “For am I in the place of God?” (Bereishis 50:19) Be very careful with anger. It almost always comes back on you, especially in matters with your spouse.