תָּמֹ֤ת נַפְשִׁי֙ מ֣וֹתיְשָׁרִ֔ים וּתְהִ֥י אַֽחֲרִיתִ֖י כָּמֹֽהוּ‎

Bilam, the wicked prophet, famously wanted to curse the Israelites but Hashem changed his words and Bilam instead blessed them three times. The quote above ends the first of his blessings. His words also reveal his desire to die like the Israelites. But why does he need to repeat two identical conclusions? Death of the upright and end be like theirs? Aren’t death and end the same? On top of that, why does he compliment the Israelites calling them upright (yashar)? Why not tzaddiks? If death and the end are the same, what is Bilam asking for?

The first thing to notice is that Bilam says, “may my soul die.” That’s a little odd because we believe the soul is eternal. But look at the word for soul that he uses – nefesh. Judaism says that there are five levels of the soul, but mostly focuses on three, nefesh, ruach, and neshama. The nefesh is the lowest part of the soul and it is connected to the physical body. Every living thing has a nefesh. But what is the essence of this nefesh? What is this “soul of life?” 

Nefesh is found elsewhere in the Torah and seems to be translated very differently. In Parshas Chaya Sarah, Avraham purchases a burial place for Sarah from the Children of Cheis. He says to them,

אִם־יֵ֣שׁ אֶת־נַפְשְׁכֶ֗ם לִקְבֹּ֤ר אֶת־מֵתִי֙

“If it is really your will that I bury my dead from my presence…” (Bereishis 23:8)

Here nefesh isn’t translated as soul, but as will. The word traditionally used for will in Hebrew is רצון, ratzon but here the Torah has used nefesh to mean ratzon. How are the nefesh/soul and ratzon/will connected? Quite fundamentally. What is life without desire? What happens when someone can’t find purpose in life? Life becomes bleak and meaningless. But when we want something, it drives us. It fills us with passion and purpose and we’re not just willing to work for it, we want to work for it. In Hebrew, רצון is connected to the word רץ, to run.

When we have something we want badly enough, we run for it. When we were children, we’d dash across the mall to get to the toy or candy store. During Yom Kippur we ask forgiveness for “running to do evil.” What we want defines us. Haven’t you ever heard an actor say, “What’s my motivation?” If they don’t understand what the character wants, they can’t play them. The only thing stopping us from running to achieve our goals are the obstacles we believe are in the way. 

But what happens when we get what we want? How long are we happy? Well, it depends on what we’ve achieved. Most things don’t satisfy us for very long. Even long standing goals, writing a book, completing a degree, or getting a job can leave us unsatisfied once the freshness wears off. Unless the accomplishment needs further development (a garden, relationships, building an organization) being done with a goal makes us feel done ourselves, but not in a good way. We start seeking the next thing. This is because the nature of being alive is to accomplish. We’re never satisfied. We never stop running. That may be a depressing sentiment until you see the other translation for nefesh the Torah has for us. 

On Shabbat morning we make kiddush with the following verse, כִּי־שֵׁ֣שֶׁת יָמִ֗ים עָשָׂ֤ה יְהֹוָה֙ אֶת־הַשָּׁמַ֣יִם וְאֶת־הָאָ֔רֶץ וּבַיּוֹם֙ הַשְּׁבִיעִ֔י שָׁבַ֖ת וַיִּנָּפַֽשׁ‎ “because in six days Hashem made the Heaven and the Earth and on the Seventh day He rested and was refreshed/comforted.” (Shemos 30:17)

The final word of the verse is v’yenafash, a form of nefesh. But here the nefesh doesn’t mean will but refreshed or rather comforted, menucha מְנוּחָה‎. This is the feeling of satisfaction we’re all looking for as we’re running towards our goals. When I get married I’ll be happy, when I make partner I’ll be able to rest. But as I said above, the menucha either doesn’t come or doesn’t last long. Why is it so elusive? 

Have you ever noticed that when we say l’chiam, to life, life is in the plural? Chai חי is life, but chaim חיים‎ is lives. Judaism has always understood we have two lives, the one here we’re living now, and the one in the World to Come, Olam Habah. This life is for toil, work, and accomplishing for the purpose of perfecting or completing this world (tikkun olam). When this world is complete, it becomes Olam Habah, Heaven on Earth. That is when we will experience menucha, tranquility. 

This is what Bilam is asking for. That the end of his life be considered as if he was upright so that his final end, his eternity, will be the menucha of the World to Come. But Bilam has a problem. What’s vacation worth when you have no job? How much do you care about a participation trophy? You can’t experience menucha unless you’ve worked for it. But you also have to work in a productive way, busy work doesn’t lead to much satisfaction. There are two ways to run. Away from danger or towards a destination. 

The person who is in survival mode is only motivated by present and changing needs. They will go wherever refuge is found. However a person with a specific plan and goal is on a trajectory. Where that trajectory takes them may be all over the place, but their goal is straight. Straight is the actual meaning of yashar. Bilam is saying that he wants to be considered as if he is like the people who have run straight, working to accomplish the goal of perfecting the world. He wants the reward without the work. Obviously, things do not work out for Bilam. 

But what does Bilam’s blessing teach us about life? How do we make sure the running that we do gets us to the menucha we’re all inherently yearning for? We must understand that life is about running, it’s never going to stop. If that running leaves this world a better place when our first life ends, then we know we’re running straight, yashar. But as long as there is work left to do, we can’t rest.

Except on Shabbos. The day that is a 60th of Olam Habah. The day that Hashem was refreshed, so to speak. By knowing that we can’t accomplish, that we’re not allowed to run, that’s when we can experience the menucha here in this world. For all other times…

Run for your life. 

This post was heavily inspired by the d’var Torah given by Rebbitzen Esther Wein.