God willing I will be a father for the second time this coming Sunday. I’m reluctant to even mention it publicly because my wife and I have had some disappointment in this area in the past and Judaism does caution about the evil eye. For the record if you see a pregnant woman, the custom isn’t to say mazel tov before the baby is born. Instead you should say b’sha tova, meaning in good time, as a mazel tov may be premature (no pun intended). So with all that said, I couldn’t help but contemplate the themes of fatherhood in this week’s Torah portion Vayigash. 

If you read my blog regularly, the format is going to be a little different. Just a few disparate ideas opposed one big thousand-word d’var. Also, this will probably be my last post for a while. After my first daughter was born, it was over a year before I started posting again. 

I’m Yosef, is my father still alive? (Bereishis 45:3)

At the climactic moment Yosef’s whole deception, his brothers led by Yehuda stand firm defending their brother Benjamin, insisting that the loss of their youngest son will devastate their father so much it will kill him. Yosef can no longer hide his true identity and finally reveals himself. But then asks if his father is, in fact, alive. But Yehuda has made several statements about Yaakov being alive. Why would Yosef ask what has already been clearly stated?

Many commentators say that Yosef was giving his brothers rebuke as if to say, “You sold me into slavery. Did it kill dad then?” That answer has always bothered me as it characterizes Yosef as spiteful. But, recently I heard a slightly different interpretation. Yosef wasn’t asking if their father was alive but my father. As if his father was different from their father. And in a sense he’s right. Parents have unique relationships with their children (really with everyone, but especially children.) We become different people through our children. When we experience loss with someone close to us (God forbid) we can feel that a part of us has died with them. Yosef wanted to know if the man he knew, the mentor, the tzaddik, the servant of Hashem was still alive or had Yosef’s absence turned his father into something else.

Yosef is Pharaoh’s Father?

After Yosef consoles his brothers, telling them all they had done to him was the will of Hashem and it was for the good, he says something odd about his position of power. “Now it was not you that sent me here, but Elokim; and He has made me as a father to Pharaoh and master of all his house and rules over all of the land of Egypt.” (Bereishis 45: 8)

Yosef, a 30-something year old man, has been made a father to the most powerful king in the world? What does that mean? Rashi comments that he was a “companion and patron.” My understanding of being a father was as the person who would lay down the law after my mother’s indulgence. A position of authority but would always be caring, always be a protector, always be a rock. But Rashi says that’s not what being a father is all about. You don’t always have to be the teacher and mentor.

To be a friend means that you care about the emotional well being of the other person in the relationship. It’s also about sharing interests, having fun, and making an atmosphere where the other person wants to go. I love my father dearly, but he’s not the person I would go to when I wanted to have a good time. Then Rashi says Yosef was a patron. In addition to being a friend, the father also has to support their child. They have to invest in them, build them up, give them opportunities to grow. It’s no revelation that parents are their children’s number one fan. We might think that’s a problem because the child grows up thinking they’re the best, then they enter the real world and get a dose of reality. But if the child doesn’t have that number one fan at home, they will be far less likely to take risks in the real world because they may not believe in themselves. 

Now how did Yosef attain this paternal relationship with Pharaoh? The Torah doesn’t say. But it is interesting that at the age of 17, Yosef effectively loses his father and becomes an orphan. He spends more than 12 years alone with no support, in the darkest places in Egypt. When he comes out of the prison, is able to have the confidence and clarity to not only become Pharaoh’s advisor, but his friend. Because Yaakov had been those things to Yosef, Yosef was able to be an honest equal to Pharaoh who really believed in him, when Pharaoh was surrounded by yes-men and people seeking their own agenda. A father’s agenda should always be the good fortune of their child. 

What To Tell Dad?

As Yosef instructs his brothers, he continues on saying, “Hurry, go up to my father and tell him; this is what your son, Yosef says, ‘Elokim had made me master of all Egypt. Come down to me, do not delay. You will dwell in the land of Goshen, and you will be close to me. You, your children, your grandchildren… I will provide for you there, since there will be another five years of famine.’” (Bereishis 45:9-11)

Of all the messages to relay to the father Yosef hasn’t seen in decades, who doesn’t even know he’s alive, why this? Why not, I’m safe? I’m happy? I love you? The reason Yosef doesn’t offer those words is because he knows that there is only one thing that is going to comfort his father after all these years. When Yosef says he’s the master of Egypt and offers to shelter the family through the next years of the famine, what he’s really saying is, I’m not just alive, but I’m thriving and I’m taking care of the world. Yes, Yaakov would be overwhelmed to know that Yosef is alive no matter what. But being in the land of Egypt, the nation known for immorality and impurity, Yosef could have easily fallen off the holy path. The essential thing Yosef knew his father needed to hear is that you can be proud of the work I’m doing. There’s nothing more a parent wants to see than that their children are flourishing and living with purpose. 

Who Cried?

The last thing to consider is the reunion between Yaakov and Yosef. The Torah says, “He appeared before him, he fell on his neck, and wept on his neck for a long time.” (Bereishis 46:29) But the Torah doesn’t define its pronouns. Who fell on whose neck and wept? According to Rashi it is Yosef who fell on his father’s neck and cried. So what was Yaakov doing? Rashi says he was reciting the Shema. That’s particularly odd given that Yaakov had mourned so strongly over Yosef that the Midrash says that with grief, over time the pain eventually lessens. But not with Yaakov, his pain never diminished. So why wouldn’t he cry when he finally sees his son? However, Nachmanides rejects Rashi’s interpretation saying, “It is a known matter as to whose tears are more constant: that of an old father who finds his son alive after having despaired of him and having mourned for him, or that of a grown-up son who reigns?”

For me, Nachmanides’  interpretation makes more sense. Why would Yaakov interrupt this moment to say Shema? Some say it is because he was using his extraordinary feelings to elevate his love to Hashem. That still doesn’t sit right for me. But I will point out that in next week’s parsha, on his death bed, Yaakov is prepared to reveal what will happen at the end of time but he stops as the prophecy leaves him. According to the Midrash, he was worried that one of his children had become a heretic and that was why the Divine connection was interrupted. So he asks, “How can I know if your hearts are fully with Hashem?” and the sons unanimously respond, “Shema Yisrael Hashem Elokeinu, Hashem Echad.” When Yaakov sees Yosef for the first time, he may be wondering the same thing. How can I know if Yosef still has Hashem in his heart? And from the look of Yosef’s face he can tell, and so he says the Shema himself.

I believe the message is, as a parent, we are never going to know what really is going on in our children’s hearts. We’re always going to worry and wonder if they are okay. Even if it appears they are thriving and successful. And no matter how much we make efforts to support them, and help them overcome obstacles, ultimately there is a limit to how much we can save them. At a certain point, we have to trust it is in God’s hands, and say Shema.